Choking on misery and despair
by the-mother-of-slow-updates
Summary: A fic about Ulquiorra's life before he became an arrancar, and a really miserable one. Character death, no pairings. [REWRITTEN]


Warnings: AU, OOC, angst, rape intent, self-harm, violence and a character death

A/N: In this fic, Aizen is Ulquiorra's father and his mothers name is Akemi.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, or anything that is related to it.

**EDIT: So I was reading this again, and all I saw was mistakes. AM I FUCKING TEN OR SOMETHING!? Kill me please.**

**Choking on misery and despair**

Ulquiorra Cifer, that's how these puny people called him. He despised them all, and was indifferent to the way they lived their lives.

But there were few ones that he did not just despise, he hated them. There are two of them, to be exact. He hated Aizen, as much as he hated Akemi. _I hate them, and they hate me._

Ulquiorra fixated his eyes on his hands. They were burnt badly, and some nails were missing. Ulquiorra's gaze wandered from his hands over to the sheets, that covered his body. Bloody bed covers, and bloody hips under it. Ulquiorra clung tightly onto those sheets, sheets that were dirty and had seen horrible things done to their owner. This torture had been repeating for quite a long time. For years. For years, Aizen had been raping him.

Ulquiorra forced his emotionless mask on his face, anything to keep that pained sob inside. He had been doing that since this sadistic thing called his father had left the room. Blocking his emotions out, keeping his sobs in, pretending to be indifferent to the pain.

Or that mark that was on Ulquiorra's chest.

_This is getting worse, __I hope I could run away._

Run? Ridiculous, he can't even walk properly.

Ulquiorra was interrupted from his thoughts by his alarm clock. A wave of panic washed over the black-haired male. He jumped off from the bed, just to fall on the floor, and moan in pain._Just don't wake up!_

Ulquiorra knew exactly what would happen, if he introduces Akemi's sleep. Or worse, Aizen's. He crawled to the alarm clock, and turned it off. Ulquiorra froze when he heard a sound. It sounded like someone had just opened the door. He slowly rose to his knees, and despite the pain, dressed as quickly as he could. All the blood from his hips was already on the covers, so there was no worry about making his black clothes dirty. Ulquiorra grabbed his school bag and was ready to leave the house using the window, but it was too late.

Aizen was holding Ulquiorra's shoulder in his deathly grip.

"Well, well", he said, sadistic grin plastered over his face. "You were going to leave the house without even saying a single goodbye? I'm depressed", he chuckled lightly,

not even trying to look sad.

Ulquiorra was so scared,

that there were no words to describe it. But yet, his face showed no emotions when he turned to face the sadist, and to lie straight at Aizen's face:

"It was late, and I didn't want to be late from school, so I wasn't able to say anything to you, Aizen-sama", Ulquiorra said, just as respectful as he could, without any sarcasm or fear dripping from his voice, but he still noticed that he had formed this sentence badly, due to the tension he felt on his shoulder now. How will Aizen react?

It depends on Aizen's mood, what will he do. " Do not lie to me, please", Aizen said, and Ulquiorra knew what will happen. Aizen slid his hand from Ulquiorra's shoulder to his wrist, taking care that his hand touched every single bruise that was on his hand. His smile faltered when he didn't get any reaction from Ulquiorra.

So he removed his hand, and next time Ulquiorra knew about this hands whereabouts, it was tied with his own fingers.

The move could be comforting,

but his touch meant to hurt,

and it did, like hell. Soon enough, Ulquiorra's hand was bleeding again. Ulquiorra cringed, emotions trying to peek out, but he knew that it would just turn Aizen on. So he swallowed and remained passive, waiting for Aizen's next move.

Aizen sat on the bed, and said: "You know what to do."

_I know exactly what to do, and that's the part that hurts the most. _

Ulquiorra slowly slid Aizen's pants down, and did the same to the boxers. Ulquiorra brought his face close to the others member and tilted his head in a position that Aizen wouldn't see Ulquiorra's disgusted expression. He took his tongue out and licked Aizen's lenght. It took all of his control to finish his movement, and do it in a non hesitant manner.

After doing the same several times, he took Aizen's member fully in his mouth. He started stroking it, and after a while his work was regarded, good for Aizen, bad for Ulquiorra, Aizen became even more hard. "That's enough", Aizen stood up from the bed and forced Ulquiorra lean his chest on on the bed, lowering his pants, almost ready to penetrate Ulquiorra. He never did anything to make it more comfortable, or make it enjoyable, he loved when Ulquiorra clenched his jaw, obviously pain, trying to choke his tears back. That was the moment when Ulquiorra noticed a tiny patch of blood on the wall, near his bed.

It reminded him about something that happened quite a long time ago. It was Ulquiorra's thought when he was 14.

_Someday I will kill you both. Send you to hell, for all the things you did to me, you bastards._

Ulquiorra was already in a pretty bad state.

But as years had passed he had become too indifferent to do just anything with his problems, too depressed and shut in to solve them. Now he decided to do it. To kill Aizen. He jerked his hand under an empty space he had left between the wall and the bed, so it would be easy just to shove his hand in, and take the knife out of the place it's hidden in, and that is under his bed.

Of course there was the risk that Aizen or Akemi would find it, and kill Ulquiorra, but the black-haired male was never afraid of dying.

_A__ll these stupid laws__, th__at__ are not worth following, all these __dumb__ humans, they are not worth __following those stupid phrases that are made to keep other dumb human beings chained. __Trash._

"Do you remember that girl, Orihime? I killed her with that knife", Aizen seemed pretty calm, even though Ulquiorra was pointing this very sharp that he had used to kill his friend back from Ulquiorra's childhood. Yes, Ulquiorra did recall the meaning of Aizen's words. An image of a wall, a girl with an eye inside her mouth, throat full of deep wounds and her long orange hair shoved inside of them. Her tongue was stretched until it reached around her chest.

_'Look Ulqui!' An orange-hared girl said in a happy tone, and patted her chest._

_'This is where my heart is! Thanks to it, I can have friends, be happy, love my brother, and do other amazing things that can make me happy!'_

_Ulquiorra looked at the girl, his deep emerald eyes sad, and a little bit of irony in them. _

_'But heart is just an organ that is pumping blood all over your body, so how does it help you to feel? Isn't it mind that produces feelings?'_

_'Is that what you think? Heart holds our past, happy or not, way better than our mind, that always forgets, and leaves things unnoticed!'_

_'I still do not get your logic. And even if that is so, what will happen if you rip that heart out?'_

Heart. All skin and bones were ripped off around Orihime's heart, it had been stabbed, dried blood on it. Ulquiorra stood up, much to Aizen's surprise, his knife above Aizen's shoulder and stabbed it in hard. "I do remember that. And this is how I feel about it."

Ulquiorra gripped the knife harder, his burnt skin bleeding a lot more than the time when Aizen made it bleed the last time, and Ulquiorra twisted the knife so it was in the same direction as Aizen's arm. And then he jerked his hand down. Blood splattered on the floor. "AAARRRGGH!" Ulquiorra gazed at Aizen with a dull look in his eyes as he leaned back, and cried out in agony. Akemi ran into the room, asking what's wrong. She got stabbed in the eye.

"You dug your own grave when you chose to live here, where we do not have anyone living near us."

Ulquiorra stood in his own room, that was no longer recognizable as his. It was just a red mess.

And now he no longer had rights to pity himself about the things his parents did to him, he was no different from them anymore. Now when he thought about it, he had no rights in this world anymore. He isn't supposed to go to school anymore, he isn't supposed to think about his actions, nor words before he said, or did something.

He was completely free to do anything.

Anything but live a good and a peaceful life, he had killed this chance right at the same moment when he killed those disgusting things that were supposed to be his parents. He headed out and started walking towards a train station that was far away.

When he stepped out in the snowy morning, he remarked that it was a lot colder now. His green and emotionless eyes followed the lines of things that surrounded him.

He heard a sound that sounded like liquid was dropping on something from somewhere on the snow.

Ulquiorra remembered that his clothes were still covered in blood. They were black,

so he did not see it when he left the house. His face was covered in blood too, for sure. Ulquiorra kept on walking, he knew there was a river nearby.

He reached the river he wanted to use, Ulquiorra knelt down next to it, and sank his hands in a place where some boys had thrown a rock at a bird that was unfortunately swimming here, and filled his hands with ice-cold and clear water, as if there is no sand and dirt deep down, where it reached the ground. Ulquiorra splattered water all over his face and opened his eyes once again. He had a black hoodie on him, and it was the thing that had most of Aizen's and Akemi's blood.

He left it as he walked by the river, making sure no one will find it anytime soon. He continued to walk, and noticed a couple.

"I NEVER REALLY LOVED YOU, YOU BITCH!" Those lovers kept yelling at each other.

The word "love" made Ulquiorra think about Orihime, and her rambling about heart, again.

_She was a kid, so no wonder she thought about __the __world so nicely._

Ulquiorra reached the place where the couple had fought, and noticed a lonesome,

beautiful white rose that most likely fell on the ground from that teenager girls bouquet. Soon after he noticed that there was also a red rose laying on the ground.

"WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" He heard that woman yell. He picked up those roses and continued to walk, as he decided to use a way that was slightly longer, because he probably did not want to hear any of this couples worthless fight.

And there were a place that Ulquiorra wanted to go to. He switched to an another way, soon enough he was walking on a single trail, it was the one that was used rarely, so when Ulquiorra was in his destination, snow had soaked his shoes wet.

The place was a graveyard.

Ulquiorra walked past all those graves and arrived to a single wood,

that had the text that said "Inoue Orihime". Of course Ulquiorra was not able to make a real grave for Orihime, because Aizen would go to prison then.

So, he had chosen a place near the graveyard that wasn't too close, so nobody would notice; not too far though, so he could find the place himself. He put the white and the red rose on her grave and, after a moment of mourning, went on.

Ulquiorra was sitting on a train, looking out of the window, and thinking what should he do, or where should he go.

The sky was still dark.

Ulquiorra kept his left hand, the badly injured one, on the seat that was next to him. He didn't really pay much attention where he had put it, or on a which train he currently was. Ulquiorra noticed that he could see the moon.

and then he felt pain hit his injured hand.

He gasped in pain, as his hand bled.

_It's __been __ three times already, I'm __kind of__ sick of __it__._

"Ohh! A little emo Ulqui here! Our little boy isn't at school,

learning how to annoy the hell out of people?" Ulquiorra knew that voice very well.

Nnoitra,

idiot that said all those things that could cross an imbecile's mind only,

and thought it was cool.

All this, just do he could amuse his blue-headed leader, that was currently looking bored.

Whole Grimmjow's gang was like that, full of crappy idiots.

Others following Nnoitra's example, insults started raining on Ulquiorra.

He rose his gaze and did something he hadn't done for a while, looked Nnoitra straight in the eye.

"Just go and die already, infantile."

Ulquiorra stood up from his seat, ready to leave at his station, jerking his hand under Nnoitra's boot, splattering his blood all over Grimmjow, who was unfortunately sitting in a perfect distance to get the bloody shower. Even the glove that Ulquiorra wore to hide his wounds did not help at all. For no apparent reason, Ulquiorra was always the one to heal quickly. But it didn't help that much, because he earned new injuries everyday.

Ulquiorra had walked somewhat far away from the train station, and he stared upon the sky. It's still black.

_Does it matter is this is__ sky __dark__ or bright? Nevertheless, it will be always black for me._

Ulquiorra opened a door of an old building, using the elevator to get on the highest floor. After walking the latest stairs there were, he came upon a door made of iron.

It was old, so when Ulquiorra kicked it, and then pushed against the material using force, it gave in, and Ulquiorra was able to walk on the rooftop of the house. This building had 19 floors, and this kind of stuff wasn't anything new to Ulquiorra.

He had been running away from Aizen after the school to come here, to sit on the edge,

eyeing those stupid people doing their oh-how-important things, rushing somewhere.

Ulquiorra liked the fact that he could just jump, and it would be over. He liked high places, because when you live in the countryside, you cannot really have a good place where you can see a sight like this. Sometimes, he would read here. If it's raining, he would use an old coat he found while exploring this roof when he was nine. He sat on his usual place on the roof, spacing out, lost in thought.

First time when Akemi had tortured him visited Ulquiorra's mind.

_'Mommy? Mommy stop!'_

_Ulquiorra yelped, when his mother pressed a cold scalpel against his cheek._

_'Such a pale cheek we have there...'_

_She pushed the scalpel to his cheek a little more forcefully, and some blood started dripping slowly, finding its way through the childs skin,_

_and then dropping down from the poor boy's chin. Amongst with the blood, there was some other liquid._

_'You know, my dear, I have never seen you cry before...'_

_'Please no, mother...'_

Ulquiorra tilt his head so little that it was barely noticable. His first day in school wasn't any better, he got targeted by the bullies, because no one likes a pale, black-haired and an un-social boy.

Then there was that accident with Orihime. And the high school was even worse, because there it grew to actual violence. And as the snowball kept rolling down the mountain, Aizen took his part in torturing Ulquiorra. And no one ever noticed. Or maybe somebody did, but that person certainly did not care. It was when Ulquiorra had decided. He stood up and his emerald-eyed gaze washed over the city. Then he tuned around, to see the forest.

He rose his hands up, remembering that he had done the same with Orihime.

_'Look, this is a test where we can check do we trust each other or not.'_

_She smiled reassuringly, as to prove that she won't let him down. _

_'Just raise your hands and fall, I will catch you.'_

He did that. And he fell down. While he was falling, he hummed a beautiful melody.

**You lie, silent there before me,**

When Ulquiorra fell, it felt like eternity.

**Your tears, they mean nothing to me.**

When Ulquiorra kept on falling the song kept on playing. And when he hit the ground, he did not hear yells of all those people that were walking on the street, he heard only the final words of the song:

**Here's a lullaby to close your eyes, goodbye.**

Right before he died, he thought about Grimmjow.

_Ulquiorra got just shoved his back by some of idiots that had wanted money and he wasn't able to give it to them. Ulquiorra heard a sound that sounded like someone had just stretched his hand to help Ulquiorra up._

_'But no one would do that, right?'_

"_Ya 'kay?" It was Grimmjow. Ulquiorra just looked at him. It was the first time when Grimmjow was being nice to him, and that look in his eyes, he had looked so beautiful back then..._

_Grimmjow was one of the peoples that Ulquiorra hated the most, but the reason was different, he hated him because he thought that he wasn't able to love, and he was confused._

**Goodbye...**


End file.
